


The Witcher vs Three Pokemon and One Goose

by MarlynnOfMany



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22807648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarlynnOfMany/pseuds/MarlynnOfMany
Summary: This is what you get when you decide to write something inspired by the last three fandoms that a specific person reblogs.  It was just as fun to write as you think, and I don't regret a word of it.(I should do this every time I reach a milestone onTumblr.  I love an absurd writing challenge!)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	The Witcher vs Three Pokemon and One Goose

“So is that supposed to summon the monsters, or repel them?” Jaskier asked, pointing at the thing Geralt carried. 

“Don’t know yet,” Geralt said. He pushed through the underbrush, holding the red and white ball in front of him. 

“I mean, it’s probably not an egg. Right?”

“Probably.” 

“They would have said if it attracted monsters,” Jaskier reasoned. “I mean, they would have noticed. On account of all the monsters.” 

Geralt held up a hand, and Jaskier stumbled to a halt. 

“What?”

“Shh.” 

Sounds filtered through the trees: crackles and animal cries. Also some rustling in the bushes. 

“What is it?” Jaskier whispered, looking around. Something crossed the path behind him, and he yelped. 

“Quiet,” Geralt grumbled, drawing his sword. He pushed forward. Jaskier nervously followed, watching their backs. 

Past a screen of dense trees, they discovered a battle between three small monsters. A stripy yellow one shot lightning, a frog-like one shot vines, and an orange lizardy one breathed fire like a tiny dragon. They hadn’t noticed the intruders yet, busy as they were in wrecking the scenery and each other. 

“What are those?” Jaskier whispered over Geralt’s shoulder. 

Geralt grunted. “The monsters, I assume.” 

A loud HONK from behind them made both men whirl, only to see a flash of white disappear behind a bush. 

Then a vine attacked Geralt’s sword arm, and a zap of lightning made Jaskier’s hair stand on end. 

The monsters had turned their attention away from each other. 

Geralt fought off the vines. Jaskier danced around in pain. Both of them dodged the blast of fire that miraculously missed the undergrowth. 

“My lute!” Jaskier exclaimed suddenly. “It’s gone!”

“Find it later,” Geralt said, dodging behind a tree as more lightning targeted him. 

“But something took it!” 

“Now’s not the time to—” Geralt realized he was missing the red and white ball that the villagers had given him. He looked around quickly, scanning the ground and dodging behind another tree. Before he came to any conclusions, he felt his sword yanked from his hand. 

Geralt whipped around to catch a glimpse of a white bird waddling off with his sword. He lunged after it, only to lose it in the undergrowth as another bolt of lightning nearly missed him.

"Was that a goose?" Jaskier asked from the next tree over. 

"Not for long," Geralt growled. "Come on." 

The small monsters didn't follow as Geralt and Jaskier chased off after the goose. It led them on a merry chase, despite its waddling gait and the heavy sword. More than once they lost sight of it, only to hear a taunting honk from an unexpected direction.

More often than not, that direction led through briar patches and deep mud puddles.

When they finally caught up to it, both the witcher and the bard were ready for a bath, a nap, and roast goose served with extreme prejudice.

They both stood panting, gazing up at the pile of stolen things hidden by a fallen tree. The goose perched on top, far out of reach, fanning its wings and honking in triumph.

Geralt picked up a rock and threw it, but the goose disappeared over the tree trunk with yet another victory honk. 

"My lute!" Jaskier exclaimed, dashing forward. 

Geralt watched the bard free it from the pile, and spotted his own sword. He grumbled over and reclaimed it, checking the blade for goose-inflicted damage and finding none. 

While Jaskier made anxious noises over the state of his lute, sitting down on a wooden stool that the goose definitely didn’t own, Geralt took stock of the pile. 

These could only be the items that the villagers had reported stolen. Boots, gardening equipment, a dart board, toys, figurines… One thing made him pause. 

It looked like a hat, just in a very strange style. There was only a brim in the front. And it was bright red, with a white pattern that looked much like the pattern on the mysterious ball. 

Speaking of which, where was that? Geralt dug around for it, finally discovering it underneath a gourd much bigger than the goose itself. He spent a moment wondering how the goose had moved that all the way out here. 

“Oh, you found it!” Jaskier said, looking up from tuning his lute. “Did it attract the monsters?” 

“Maybe,” Geralt said. “But I don’t think it so. I think the villagers aren’t telling us everything.” He scooped up the strange hat. “Recognize this style?”

The bard shook his head. 

“Me neither. I think there’s an outsider involved. Come on, back to town.” He tucked it into his belt and started walking. 

“Without dealing with the monsters?” Jaskier stumbled to his feet. “I mean, yes, by all means, let’s get cleaned up first. The monsters can wait.” 

Thankfully for both of them, the town wasn’t far. Not that either would have been any more surprised that the malicious goose had wrangled its hoard of items far into the woods. 

Soon enough the bedraggled witcher and bard were confronting the townsfolk who had told them that the monsters were unattended. 

They had also said, as an aside that Geralt wasn’t meant to overhear, that there was an untrustworthy juvenile currently locked up. And this hat was designed to fit a small head. 

Geralt held the hat in the village head man’s face. “Where is he?” he asked. 

It only took a few halfhearted lies from the man, and quiet threats from the witcher, before they were on their way to where the mysterious child was locked away. On the way, the man babbled about how the orb had summoned the monsters under control of the child, and that the villagers had done the responsible thing by locking him away and calling Geralt. 

“And not telling me?” Geralt rasped, irritation clear. The man prevaricated and unlocked the door, warning Geralt not to let the demon-summoner have his item back. 

Geralt entered the room to find a boy staring at him with wide eyes. “Found your hat,” he said, tossing it to him. 

“Thank you! Did you see—” 

“And we found your monsters.” Geralt held up the ball. Behind the door, the head man gasped quietly. “Care to tell me what you’re doing here?” 

The boy was only happy to explain. The villagers really should have asked more questions. By the time he was halfway through his explanation, Geralt was ushering him out of the room, past the head man, and back towards the woods where the monsters were undoubtedly still squabbling. 

Jaskier followed behind, strumming quietly on the lute in that working-on-a-new-song-that-will-surely-be-annoying way. 

As Geralt had expected, the strange boy with the strange clothes and the strange magic ball had no trouble bringing the monsters to heel, though Geralt was surprised to see them disappear into the ball. He’d been ready to fight them if need be, one hand on his sword, but they went peacefully. Then the boy was beaming at them and hooking the ball onto his belt, opening his mouth to say something. 

Behind him, in the space between two trees whose branches touched, fiery magic swirled into a portal. Unlike the other portals that Geralt had seen, this one showed its destination: a sunny, foreign-looking place with bizarre animals running around. 

Jaskier gasped dramatically. “Where did that come from?”

The boy pointed at it. “Hey, that’s my home!” 

Geralt grunted. “Of course it is. Just what we need; random teleportation in the middle of the woods.” 

“I think it was a glitch in the warp panel,” the boy said, looking from the witcher to the portal. “I should go before it disappears again. I’ll make sure somebody fixes it.” 

Geralt nodded. “You do that.” 

“Bye! Thank you!” With a wave, the boy dashed through the hole in the air, which closed behind him without a trace. 

Jaskier waved. “Goodbye!” 

Geralt walked over to the trees, drew his sword, and lopped off the connecting branches. 

Jaskier made noises of mild disapproval. 

Geralt ignored him, sheathing the sword and starting the walk back to town. 

Jaskier fell in beside him. “Do you think we should look into this portal business more?” He tapped the side of his head. “Who else do we know who’s knowledgeable about teleportation?” 

Geralt grunted. “Better question: who do we know who will pay us for all this?” 

“Yes, that is a better question.” 

They returned to the head man with explanations, a demand for money, and, while that was being counted out, the beginnings of a new song. 

“What rhymes with ‘left the villagers to deal with the goose’?” Jaskier asked as they left. 

“It’s just a goose, not a monster,” Geralt said, tying the bag of coins to his belt. “That’s their problem.” 

Jaskier craned his neck to look around the witcher. “Oh, I’d say it’s still your problem.” 

“What? Hey!” Geralt grabbed for the goose that had just swiped his coin purse, and missed. It waddled away with surprising speed. Geralt swore and ran after it. 

Jaskier laughed. “I’m adding in an extra verse about that!” 

“Don’t you dare!”


End file.
